Bastiat’s Smoker’s Petition

Check out this satirical work based I wrote on Frederic Bastiat’s Candlemaker’s Petition. It was published in MTSU’s newspaper Sidelines this week in comical protest of the new smoking ban.

Dear Authorities:                                                                                                                                                             

You are on the right track. You reject abstract theories of self-determination.

You have done well violating students’ rights of self-ownership and treating them like children. Students should not be allowed to make decisions about their bodies. They are adults only in the legal sense. I assure you, we all need your paternalistic protection from bad decisions.

High marks for disregarding the proven claims that second-hand smoke in a well-ventilated area does not cause health problems. A safety violation is still a safety violation regardless of facts. Well done. I also commend the banning of not just all tobacco productions, but also tobacco free alternatives such as electronic cigarettes.

It should not matter that they only emit water vapor, and are used to wean off of tobacco. Allowing devices that even look like tobacco products only encourages mass disobedience. Such behavior cannot be tolerated. Your opponent’s trifles about these matters are unfounded balderdash. 

But you have not gone far enough. We must do more to protect the students of MTSU from themselves.

We must strictly limit the use and distribution of dihydrogen monoxide. The use of this substance is a greater menace than even tobacco. Allow me to explain why. This illicit substance is has been used for torture for thousands of years and still is by the US military.

It claims millions of lives every single year across the globe, associated with inclement weather and killer cyclones. Students are using dihydrogen monoxide not only in their dorms but in every single building on campus. Every moment of the day, this compound is smuggled across the campus.

This substance has been shown to be addictive, and users usually continue use for the rest of their lives. Even our athletic teams are not immune, having been using dihydrogen monoxide for decades to boost their athletic performance. Studies have shown that overuse can result in over dosage and subsequently death.

This highly dangerous compound must no longer be freely available in each building on campus, and most certainly should not be sold for profit in our centers of commerce. Dihydrogen monoxide must, as you have already wisely done with tobacco, be relegated to the shameful basement of students’ cars.

There is no other legitimate place to use such a heinous substance but one’s vehicle where the spillage and effects are limited only to the car. MTSU must engage immediately in a re-education campaign to warn the student community of the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide, as they are with tobacco.

I also call upon the Tennessee General Assembly to use their supreme powers of logic and outlaw this substance completely. In the meantime, the aforementioned measures will suffice.

I submit these facts to a candid community and am confident that you will exercise your sober judgment to rid the “True Blue” MTSU Community of the menaces of tobacco and dihydrogen monoxide through the very best means possible- forcible prohibition and social engineering programs to stop students from thinking incorrectly about these illicit substances.

Thank you for your hard work,

Eric Sharp

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