Climate Change Experts Wish the Climate Would Heat up Already

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Climate Reality Project released an official report Wednesday stating that they are “getting pretty sick of this whole climate thing.” Citing the rate which the climate has been warming as “unacceptable” and “seriously annoying”, the report voiced the frustration of the organization and calls upon the federal government to increase funding to “speed this whole thing up.”

The organization, founded by The Honorable Al Gore, has been advocating for climate change awareness through social media since 2006, using recognizable figures like Renee Zellweger and Jack Johnson to bolster their message about the climate crisis.

“According to our recent studies, global warming is far worse than we ever imagined,” said Dr. Harold Winston, Chief Executive Officer of the Climate Reality Project. “But we’ve found that the real problem is that it’s simply not bad enough; people just aren’t scared like they used to be. The whole spiel that ‘every polar bear is going to drift away on a lone sheet of ice and your grandchildren will have to battle for their lives in a Waterworld-like island world’ just doesn’t seem to have the same pop it used to. It just seems like more and more Americans either don’t care, and some actually approve of the climate going up a couple degrees.”

The organization, which advocates “putting a price on carbon” to dissuade fossil fuel use, holds successful annual training sessions in dozens of countries across the world to enlist new leaders of its Climate Reality Corps. However, in the wake of one of the tamest hurricane seasons in recent history and growing skepticism of global warming theories due to conflicting evidence and ties to political agendas, the organization says it just needs one good natural disaster to help get its message jump started again.

“Katrina was great, but that was almost a decade ago,” said Winston. “We’re doing all we can on our side, and since we cannot afford to wait until the next natural disaster, we’re calling on the Federal Government to help us spread climate awareness. Whether that means using experimental military technology to destroy the ozone layer or creating a massive tsunami with atomic bombs to take out Florida, what’s important is that we just get our message back out there.”

The press release went on to detail the findings of The Climate Reality Project’s study on the unexpected cold that has been sweeping the northern hemisphere in recent months. “Thanks to extensive research, we’ve determined that the cold wave is primarily due to the polar vortex sucking all the cold air from the upper troposphere, which can cause the temperature to suddenly drop to -150 degrees Fahrenheit, cold enough to freeze both men and helicopters instantaneously, as we’ve depicted in this harrowing computer simulation.”

“Don’t worry, it’s still only a matter of time before the whole world is smothered to death by balmy weather, but sometimes Mother Nature just needs a little nudge,” Winston added.

The press conference also detailed the progress of one of The Climate Reality Project’s most successful side programs called “I Am Pro Snow,” which raises awareness for the struggles of people who rely on snow for their economic livelihood. “We do a lot of good work with our Pro Snow project,” said Winston. “Most people seem to think that frozen water on the ground is just a novelty that they can just take for granted. But people don’t realize how important snow is to the world economy, like ski instructors and Shaun White.”

The Climate Reality Project will hold its annual training sessions this year in Brazil and South Africa in mid-March, with all carbon emissions created by the event neutralized by certifiable carbon offsets.

“Well, we don’t want to get our hopes up too much, but we’re really hoping for some freak tornadoes between now and then,” said Winston, with a wink. 

This post is satire.

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