Groundbreaking New Study Reveals Unpaid Internships “Totally Not Cool, Man”

According to a study released yesterday by the College of Social Justice at UC-Berkeley, new evidence finds that unpaid internships are directly linked to “dangerous personality defects and health complications.” The 174-page study reveals that unpaid student internships directly contribute to physical fatigue, chronic drowsiness in the morning hours, and “completely uncool vibes.” The study, conducted on students between the ages of 16-24, also found that unpaid interns were twice as likely to develop networking connections, three times more likely to relocate for a future career, and seven times more likely to “totally change, man.”

“The study confirms what we have all been afraid of for so long,” said Dr. Aubrey Sachs, who hopes that his 6-year study will lead to a Congressional bill outlawing unpaid internships once and for all. “These types of interns are at a very high risk of developing early stages of uncool behavior including being seriously uptight, and in some cases, selling out and becoming a total corporate suit.”

However, some organizations are pushing back against the movement, claiming that eliminating unpaid positions would merely reduce the amount of opportunities available to low-experience students. Dan Mitchell, a senior fellow at the staunchly pro-slavery Cato Institute, criticized the abolish of unpaid internships in an article for Salon Magazine, calling it a “misled [plebeian] notion” and that it would be a “blow to our [institutionalized stranglehold on the] unskilled youth that we [secretly exploit] thereby [sustaining our evil libertarian hegemony] of voluntary [slavery].”

Due to the highly scientific nature of the data collection, the study might just be the extra academic muscle that the movement needs to make it to the floor of Congress. Perhaps the most persuasive evidence contained in the report concludes that young adults are, in fact, not endowed with the baseline human dignity to make decisions about their own respective lives.

“Obviously, everyone knows that individuals have the rights to engage in all of the vital aspects of human freedom—whether it be carelessly exploring their most carnal sexual desires, getting multiple late-term abortions, or expanding their minds through psychedelic drug use—but voluntarily choosing what they do with their labor is completely different.”

“Y’know, it’s like, Koch money and stuff,” Sachs concluded.

Students who would be affected by a ban on unpaid positions across the country are already standing up and making their voices heard. “I’m a big fan of the ban on unpaid internships,” says Jonathon Butler, a senior in philosophy at the University of Oregon. “It’s like you just suddenly realize that companies today are focused way too much on shallow things like making money,” Butler said, pausing to send a message on his iPhone, “They just don’t appreciate what’s really important anymore—like 18th century French art and what it means for modern eco-feminism.”

“Therefore, the government should force employers to pay me a starting wage of at least $15 an hour.”

When informed about the study, Henry White, a psychology student at UNLV replied, “Yep, I’d definitely way rather just sit around and stare at the wall all summer than have the option to gain even a shred of experience in the field I’m interested in. And thanks to the artificially created overabundance of bachelor’s degrees, there’s little to no guarantee of a job after I graduate—much less in my specialization.”

 “Besides, it’s totally fascist or something.” White added.

This is a work of satire.

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