Not The Onion? Really?

More and more, I’ve been noticing stories in the news that seem like they really belong in The Onion, but unfortunately are true life stories. I mean, seriously, take a look at some of these.

School bans birthday cupcakes

Cupcake

In order to adhere to the First Lady’s dietary rules, a school in Washington has banned birthday cupcakes to combat obesity. School spokeswoman DJ Jakala described the move as a “philosophical transition.”

Oh, and before you think it’s silly to make a big deal out of a cupcake, Jakala made clear that it’s not just one cupcake a year — it’s 25 cupcakes a year. Which apparently changes everything.

Michelle Obama clarifies that there is no crack cocaine in White House pies

Honestly, I’m not really that upset over the President’s joke about crack cocaine being in White House pies — it’s just a joke. Rather, I’m trying to understand why federal taxpayer money is used to employ a White House pastry chef. I guess it must be pretty important, since Nancy Pelosi has been oh so clear that there is absolutely nothing left to cut out of the federal budget.

Ann Coulter cites soccer as evidence of America’s moral decay

I seriously thought this was an Onion headline when I first saw it. But then I remembered that it’s Ann Coulter. She recently outlined nine reasons why soccer is putting us all on the road to moral oblivion, including:

  • Individual achievement and failure is not a big factor in soccer (she apparently missed Stephen Gerrard’s slip seen round the world). Gerrard
  • You can’t use your hands in soccer. And no, she doesn’t elaborate.
  • It’s foreign. I guess she’s forgetting that soccer was born out of the same Anglo-Saxon culture that gave rise to, you know…the United States.
  • Soccer is not catching on. Even though it definitely is.

My theory? She’s trying to drive blog traffic by mentioning something popular in the news. Gotta keep people coming back to share all the hate!

Bear crashes birthday party, eats cupcakes

Bear

Okay, that first story about cupcakes completely makes sense now. Michelle Obama isn’t trying to protect us from obesity, she’s trying to protect us from RAVENOUS CUPCAKE-EATING BEARS! I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Mrs. Obama.

Got an Onionesque story that you think I left out? Leave a comment below!

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