WASHINGTON, D.C.—Controversy is once again swirling around the Obama administration after the White House unveiled its newest security program two days ago. At a televised press conference Obama revealed what the White House is calling the “Freedom Tower,” an 875-foot stone superstructure adorned with the flaming eye of the Dark Lord Sauron. Officials have confirmed that the Tower is omniscient, has the ability to incinerate its enemies on sight, and is extremely energy efficient.
Although the eye atop the tower is reportedly the ancient essence of the god-king Sauron, officials in Washington believe that the Tower has the potential to dramatically improve security both overseas and at home. Vice President Joe Biden has already dubbed the Freedom Tower the “best security improvement in recent United States history,” while Senator Dianne Feinstein has called the Tower “our best shot to really step up counterterrorism safety and our Supreme Lord.”
But already Republican groups are voicing their opposition to the Tower, claiming that its massive black spires and resident goblins simply have no place on the White House grounds. Multiple WhiteHouse.gov petitions to move the tower elsewhere have already gained thousands of signatures from conservative Americans. Supporters claim that the sentient Tower obstructs one of the most important symbols of American freedom — the White House grounds and gardens.
Leading the restoration movement is South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham, who Tweeted yesterday: “The White House is a sacred bulwark of American freedom and Obama has once again proved he has no respect for the foundation of America by defacing one of its greatest symbols.”
In response, the Obama administration released an open reply to the criticism, claiming that the administration is already hard at work to smooth over the alterations to the White House grounds. “We are aware that some people are upset about the different look of the White House, specifically the Black Gates of despair and the volcano of doom. However, our orcs are working tirelessly to re-sod the grounds and paint the tower white so that the renovations will barely be noticeable.”
Still, many conservatives are not convinced.
“What would Abigail Adams have to say now that the Balrog fire monster has trampled much of her beloved gardens,” Former presidential candidate John McCain asked during a speech yesterday in Virginia, “[i]f America cannot respect its national symbols, then what does that say about our respect for liberty?”
“You can barely see the Lincoln Memorial because of the river of lava,” he added.
However, according to an Associated Press release given just hours ago, President Obama is standing strong in his defense of the omniscient immolating eye. “It’s true that it will take a little getting used to, but part of a nation moving forward is accepting and adapting to change; this is what makes us strong as Americans.”
“Furthermore, those people who say that tyranny is lurking around every corner can rest easy knowing that the Eye can see through all corners,” Obama continued. “Some folks forget that since we are a democracy made up of you, sometimes we have to do what’s best for us, who are the same as you.”
“And sometimes national security is the job of an ancient, all-seeing flame-god,” he added.
It has been a controversial week in Washington, as Obama’s announcement of the Freedom Tower came four days after House Republicans lobbied to appoint dark wizard Saruman as head of the Department of Homeland Security.
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