by George Getz
When Santa Claus comes to town [tonight], he’d better watch out — because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.
“Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything,” said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. “The feds know when Santa’s been bad or good — and he’s been bad, for goodness sakes.”
Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should he be making license plates?
Yes, said Getz, if he’s held to the same standards as a typical American. For example:
* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what’s in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security want to know.
* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn’t been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot’s license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him — a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.
* Pulling Santa’s sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa’s never bothered to get these genetically-engineered animals registered and licensed. It’s no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.
* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals — he’s hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn’t Santa’s Workshop really Santa’s Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don’t make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.
* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He’s cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition — just like Microsoft’s Internet Explorer. Antitrust Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?
The bottom line, said Getz: “It might be tough sledding for Jolly St. Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.
“We’re just surprised it hasn’t already happened. After all, Santa Claus is everything that politicians aren’t: He’s popular, reliable, and gives us something for nothing every December 25th — instead of taking our money every April 15th.”